I Hate My Neighbor

Did you ever have one of those neighbors that you really just can't stand?  I do. She lives across the street from me.  First thing she did to annoy me?  After they moved in, they put up a hideously ugly carport that looks like a good wind will take it down.  I don't know why, but that thing really bugs me, I hate it.  And it's right outside my living room windows.  Every time it storms, I wonder if that's the day it's going to finally come down.  But it survives.  Just to piss me off probably.

I did my neighborly duty and waved to her when I saw her.  Then her hubs came over to chat with me and my hubs when we were outside one day.  He's hot.  He works out.  Not to shabby to be looking at.  So, when he wants to get together, I'm on board.

We do dinner, they seem nice enough.  Then, after dinner, all of a sudden she thought she was my best friend.  She called all the time.  She came over unannounced and knocked on my door.  I disliked her more and more all the time.  Then we both get pregnant at roughly the same time.  Being pregnant agreed with me about as much as the Republicans agree with Obama.  Not such a happy glowing lady in this house.  Being sick, she backed off, I didn't see much of her.

Time goes by, we both have our children.  Then she decides it's time to be friends again.  The calls and visits resume.  I'm tired.  Oh so tired.  I do not have the energy.  One day, my son had been up all night.  Finally got him to sleep in his swing in the living room.  I slept on the couch next to him.  Soon, my phone starts ringing.  Hubs, in his downstairs office, shuts it off.  Sometimes, I love that man.  Then, the doorbell starts going.  I look outside, it's the neighbor from hell.  I ignore her and pray she does not wake the boy.  As I ignore her, she attempts to open my door and prance right into my house.  WTF?  Back off bitch!  Then she goes back to her house and leaves me a nasty message about how she needs help, and she knows I am home, who do I think I am to ignore her?  Oh, now we are going into stalker territory here.

Never spoke another word to her again. 

They recently got a dog and it seems they want it to be an outside dog.  They leave it chained up outside all day and all night.  All night long, with the weather in the teens and the wind howling, they leave this dog tied outside.  It barks.  It yelps.  It whines.  I can't stand it.

People, bring your freaking dog inside and learn what it is to be neighborly!

She just needs a good smack upside the head. Why doesn't he? Because he's hot.  He gets a pass.

Does It Look Like I Want To Talk To You Right Now?

Yesterday, I was dropping my seven year old son off at school.  He didn't want to go to school that day, and was appearing on the verge of a meltdown.  I'm kneeling down on the floor, talking very quietly to him in front of the lockers, attempting to bribe him to go into the classroom without a scene.  Yeah that's right, I'm not above bribery as a valid parenting tool.  As I'm trying to sooth him, a Mom I really can't stand comes down the hall.  She's one of those holier than thou, my way is the best way Moms, and that's so not the way I roll.  Not to mention her brat of a kid is not so nice to my kid.  So, no love lost there.  Anyway, as I'm trying to talk to the boy, she stops in her tracks and starts talking about my hair.  

My hair is quite curly.  And unruly.  And most of my life is a giant bad hair day.  That particular morning, well most mornings, to be completely honest, I didn't have time to shower and just threw my hair up in a bun.  I had brushed some of the curl out of it.  

"Oh wow", says the mom of Satan's spawn.   "I didn't even recognize you with that hair. Did you have that professionally done, or did you do it yourself?"  Ummm, what the messy, half falling out bun?  Would you pay to have this put on your head?  If so, I charge 50 bucks an hour and am free during the school day.  And  I can recommend a nice pajama bottom to go with it.

I ignore her, continue talking to the boy.  She takes this to mean that I haven't heard her.  She edges closer.  Repeats herself. 

"I just brushed it" trying to pacify her so she moves on and I don't snap on her nosy ass.  "Oh, that must be the difference, you don't usually brush it".  What?  I'm a slob, is that what you are saying?

I give her my best stinkeye.  She takes the hint.  Boy goes to class.  Had to bribe him with staying up an hour past his bedtime.  The current school lesson is telling time.  Guess I need to come up with a new bribe before he figures out he still goes to bed at the same time.

Not so much socially acceptable to be beating up on your kid's classmates mom, but I just wanted to smack her upside the head.